The Perfect Prison


August 8…
Last night
in the middle
of the night
back and forth
post on blog
post on listserv
post on blog
post on listserv
then
no, I won’t
post on blog
I don’t want
to lose
my reputation
post on listserv
not mine to do
That went on
and on and on.

This morning
I woke up though
remembering all
the blocks the shaming when
I was raped
17 year-old virgin
showering/destroying evidence
morning after pill
beloved teacher, questioning me
lie detector test
keeping silent
at school
and on and on and on
knowing
how
difficult
it
would
be
because no
one believes
the victim.

No matter
what the
circumstances
NO ONE
except my family
my best friend Ron Maas
the school counselor
just BELIEVED
I WAS RAPED.

I thought of
the women
who asked
to talk to me.
about something.
NO DIFFERENT
no wonder
they don’t want
to talk to me
right now
maybe sometime. later.

Lose my reputation
because if I
said something
about
transgressions
anywhere
I would be known as
THAT PERSON
probably forever

Sweet faces
of kind practitioners
going about their
sangha way
not knowing
what about those
who are victims?

Lightning, thunder
crashes in my mind
This is where we are
Where is the light
the path?
abused bodies
and hearts
where are you now?

So many BLOCKS
to saying
OUT LOUD
WHAT HAPPENED
to me, to others

Because they
will punish us?
or perhaps they
have created the
perfect panopticon.
no walls needed.
to keep us
as prisoners
of silence.
so we believe
they will
even though
they can’t.
punish us.

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